Elusive Forgiveness

It’s not the Alzheimer’s

The depression,

Or the headaches

That I can’t forgive.

It’s the essence of you

That disappeared throughout

These last thirtysomething years

That weighs on me,

Making it difficult for me to

Understand how you left.

All this time I’ve blamed

The illnesses, the meds, the doctors.

For not making you well,

Preventing me from talking

To you like we used to.

Never knowing how you would

Be feeling, it wasn’t safe to

Have honest conversations.

I became guarded, distant even,

To protect myself.

I have mourned you

While standing in front of me.

Why couldn’t you fight harder to stay?

Time is fleeting now

But forgiveness is elusive

Knowing that your mind

Can’t grasp what’s in

My heart.

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14 thoughts on “Elusive Forgiveness”

  1. Robin, this was poignant and sad, beautiful and heart-rending, moving and meaningful. It made me think of my mother’s last years, who while not experiencing Alzheimers, had been a woman who had experienced a difficult life and was not always easy to interact with or care for. We fell into a pattern of not talking about hurtful things until it was too late to talk. So after her death I faced a legacy of some unresolved pain, and unexpected anger. I have processed all that, found my way to forgiveness, and a resurrection of memories of love. But this poem reminded me of how hard this can be and how painful. Thank you so much for posting it on Senior Salon. It was a powerful post that I am sure will resonate with many others. Jo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I empathize so completely with this post… my mother and I cared for her mother through Alzheimer’s, and we both have blocked entire sections of memory. Her of caretaking, myself, all memories of her before the illness… and I resent the lost memories, though I don’t blame her for that.

    If you are currently going through this, you are in my thoughts.

    All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting, Amanda. Alzheimer’s is heartbreaking on some many levels. It’s hit two generations in my family and I am fearful I could be next in line some day but I try not to think about it. You are amazing for helping with the care of your grandmother.

      Liked by 1 person

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